Holidays Without You.

Posted this on my personal facebook page. 

Holidays are so very emotional for this lady. They shouldn't be. But, they are. They remind me of Jameson so very much. Was looking forward to sharing all these special days with our baby boy. Instead he is spending them with all his Grandparents & other family that is up in Heaven with him. Sending my love to you on Angel wings baby boy. Happy first Valentine's Day. ♥

Here are a couple sweet graphics that a wonderful lady made for Jameson.

The Face of a Grieving Mother.

Have you ever searched in your Google search bar " The Face of a Grieving Mother? " Before, we lost Jameson I would have not have even thought of searching something like that. I finally did do a search. I saw little to no pictures. So, my mind started wondering. I thought I should do something like this! Some people were asking if it was going to be hard for me to do something like this. I thought long and hard about that. But, it wasn't at all. It gave me time to think about my sweet baby. But, I knew that this would help others understand child loss. Most people are not able to understand what is like to leave the hospital without your little one or to come home to an empty nursery! So, I wanted to be the face. Not only the face of a grieving mother. But, the face of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness! 

Here are some of the pictures!

A Grandmother's Love.

Cyndi Williams

Angel Baby

Have you ever had a phone call that changed the course of your life in a split second? When Codey, my adult child called home and said he was going to be a father he was as excited as a little boy on Christmas. The phone line quivered with enthusiasm. 

When our conversation ended, reality hit me like a Mac truck. Not only were Codey and Megan going to be parents, I was being propelled into Grandma-hood. I remember thinking, “But I’m still too young and too cool to be at grandma”…at least in my own mind. Very quickly though, I fell in love with the idea. 

We planned, prepared, and prayed for our sweet baby on the way. The skies in his mommy’s and daddy’s future began to brighten with each passing month in anticipation of Jameson’s arrival.

I wrote this in honor of my son, my daughter in-law, and our Angel Baby, who was gone too soon:

We dreamt of him and his wonderful life, and all that he would be. We waited and anticipated him joining our family. Soon enough we got the call, our grandson was on his way, but his heartbeat was not found at the hospital that day.

The grief is indescribable, to lose a child this way. Jameson Matthew Williams, we celebrate you today. Our precious black haired angel sent from heaven, who was to beautiful for earth. I guess that is why God kept him on the day of his birth.

I shed a million tears when I looked at his beautiful, little face. His perfect hands, his tiny feet, our way too short embrace. Precious, small, little one, he will always be to me. As perfect, pure, and innocent as he was meant to be.

A visitor from heaven, accompanied by God’s grace; reminding us of untainted love and of a better place. God spared our little one from all the world’s pain. We try to locate silver linings, but sometimes it’s in vain. Jameson must have been a special angel if God needed him up there. Heaven is a wonderful home, which nothing can compare.

Jesus will take care of him and love him in our place, until we get to heaven and kiss that little face. Our love for him is eternal and strong, we will forget him never, the Grandson we had, but never had, and yet we’ll have forever.

One of my favorite songs describes Jameson’s birth and passing:

Like a flower that is just beyond your reach… gone to soon.

Born to amuse, inspire, and delight; here one day, gone one night…

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon…

Jameson Mathew Williams, my grandson, YOU were gone too soon.

He understands!

Jealousy is ugly.

Lately, I've learned that jealousy is ugly and does not look good on me. This isn't the jealousy that most people deal with. The jealousy I am talking about is the jealousy of a grieving mother. 

As happy as I should be for all the new Mommies & Daddies out there that are bringing their new baby home or even posting pictures of them for everyone to see. I can not help but to be jealous. I wonder... Why did this happen to me? Don't get me wrong.. It isn't that I am not happy for them. It's just that I want what they have. I want to hold my sweet baby in my arms, but I can't do that. All I have are memories. 

Everyday, I walk by a nursery that is empty. I walk by my son's urn. I cuddle in his blanket and cry. Always looking for a sign of him. And my sweet baby always shows me that he is still here beside me. 

One day I will get over this jealousy. Right now it is still just too fresh. <3